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UP A RIVER
(compliments of teenie6797)
The River One day, three men were hiking
and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to
do so.The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big
arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple Of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple
of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he Also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give
me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof God turned him into a woman. She looked
at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7.
Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Talk to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19.
Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring
food.
SHOPPING CENTER
A "Husband
Shopping Center" was opened where a woman
could go to choose from among many men, to be her
husband.
It was laid
out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up
the floors.
The only rule
was, once you opened the door to any
floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if
you went up a floor, you couldn't
go back down except
to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find
men.First floor,
the door had a sign saying: "These
men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign
and say: "Well that's better
than not having jobs, or
not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go.
Second floor says:
"These men have high paying jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm",
say the girls, "But, I wonder
what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good looking, love kids and help
with the
housework." "Wow!" say the women."Very tempting, BUT,
there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth
floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework, and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh,
mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us
further on!"
So up to the
fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to
prove that women are impossible to please.
Thank you
for shopping and have a nice day!!"
MARRIED?
A man and a woman who have never met before
find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman
on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you
but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint
in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman. "Good", he replies,
"Get your own Fucking blanket!"
GIRL POWER !!
Ahhh Women...
Everyday I give thanks to the
Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not
to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can
talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you
treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours
preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't
lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the
same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I
don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch
my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared
to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
HERE'S WHY
IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN:
1.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2.Your orgasms
are real. Always.
3.Your last name stays put.
4.Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
5.The garage is all yours.
6.Wedding
plans take care of themselves.
7.Chocolate is just another snack.
8.You can be president.
9.You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park.
10.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
11.You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your
new haircut.
12.If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
13.You can open all your own jars.
14.You never have to drive
to another gas station because this one's just "too icky."
15.Same work . . . more pay.
16.Wrinkles add character.
17.Wedding
Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
18.People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
19.New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
20.One mood, ALL the damn time.
21.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
22.A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23.You can leave the motel bed unmade.
24.You can kill your own food.
25.You
get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
26.If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she
can still be your friend.
27.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
28.You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
passenger
seat.
29.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
30.You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for
hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
31.You can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little
gift.
32.If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
33.You
are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
34.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a
nut on a bolt.
35.You almost never have strap problems in public.
36.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
37.The
same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
38.You don't have to shave below your neck.
39.One wallet and one pair
of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
40.You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
41.You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a
mustache.
42.Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.
OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
____________________
Total = $21.00
OIL
CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Go to O'Reilly's Auto Parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly's
to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place
drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain
plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Spill hot oil on self in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another
beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist
off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank
it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-Eleven; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of
oil to gasket Surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25)
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard, along
With
drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that the first quart of fresh
oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32)
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Beer.
36) Clean
up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer Buy Lots of Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh
quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43)
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test-drive car.
46)
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound
yard. Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey, the colors have to
match!)
$1,000.00 bail
$200.00 impound and towing fee
______________
Total = $1,350.00
WOMENS
BUMPER STICKERS
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS,
HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS
TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME...YOU
WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY
IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAPAND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING
OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
24. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE ONE.
25. IF YOU WON'T
LEAVE ME ALONE, I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL
MEN:
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because
they are plugged into a genius.
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have enough time.
3. WHY
DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop for directions.
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
Because they don't have penises to
put them in.
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They're both intended for children, but men usually
end up playing with them.
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their assholes
and they vapor lock.
8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You always need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
10. WHY IS A
MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.
11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT
A TOILET SEAT DOWN
Nobody knows, since it has never happened.
BRAINS FOR SALE
In the Hospital
the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
QUESTION AND ANWSER
Q:
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
A: 45 lb..
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How
many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q What's the
fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q. What have men and floor tiles
got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. Why do men
want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new
husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they
have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup
of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the
one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher
to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest
boobs?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A. Because the testicles
fall over the anus causing vapor-lock
WOMEN WHO READ
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and continues
to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing
area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But
I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue
with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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