MATURE

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with two nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

SEX THERAPY

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

MILKING MACHINE

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

MELTING

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? They were M&M's - (get your mind out of the gutter!!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

HORSE RIDE!

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and anted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spider Man to see if he fancied a few beers. Spider Man told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his "super thing" in a split second and flies off happily. Meanwhile, on the bed, Wonder woman asked, "Did you hear anything?" "No," said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts!"

FIRST TIME

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking'? Pervert I know what you were thinking!

PASSWORD,

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis". His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

DIFFRENT LOVERS

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

BOOK READING IN BED

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier." The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

HEY SEXY....

I know I haven't known you very long, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it bad. I haven't' had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need you help. You must think by now that I got a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry... I am not going to beat around the bush any longer SO .......... Do you have a piece of gum?

BIG ONE

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10-year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!"

CHEAP LUNCH

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."