THE LAW

"THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER."

This was in the Washington Post...

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need'. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?!"

WATTA WREK

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both vehicles are demolished. The two guys crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident. The old guy says: "Look at this miracle! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days." "Sure," says the young guy, convinced that the old man's crazy. "And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "Another miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune." The young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy. "No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police"

AFTER ALL...IT'S ALL IN THE DEFINITION...HUH?

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven... "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World." "Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO AN OFFICER

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey you must have been doin' about 125 to keep up with me. Good job.
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop.
7. You aren't going to check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee officer, that is terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the officer says "Gee son, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

RULES, RULES, RULES ...

- In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

- In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

- Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

- There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

- In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

- In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

- In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a Woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

- In Maryland, it is illegal ! to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however)