KIDS

FWD: FWD: FWD: Forwards!

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She

asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in

its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You

know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and

********************

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later..."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink

of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I

have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again,

I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!" " When you come in to

spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into

mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into

Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in

and out and in an out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter

says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

*********************

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light

when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep

with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring

hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's

room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little

voice: "The big sissy."

************************

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come

forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty

dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The

little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on

microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

***********************

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three

year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get

into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I

replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her

tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,

that son of a bitch is nine... "His mother heard what he was

saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy

answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how

your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he

answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next

day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition. "

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus

two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped

laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,

THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

***********************

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to

warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up

to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is

falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "and what do

you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand

and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

***** (compliments of steve)

A coworker's 3-year-old son, Reese, while praying the Lords Prayer said, "Our father who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen."

*****

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. The students were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

*****

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys

*****

A woman had teaching her 3-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after her mom the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

*****

One particular 4-year-old old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

*****

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

*****

Six-year-old Angie and her 4-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

*****

A father was at the beach with his children when the 4-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a seas gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

*****

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their 6-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" " I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

*****

A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say

"Red...............cherry"

"Yellow...........lemon"

"Green............lime"

"Orange..........orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"

TO MY CHILD:

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see
your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you
want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the
laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the
sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone
and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and
blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not
even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck,
and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you
are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I
have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake
cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's
and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and
tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late
while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for
hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through
your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has
given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and
fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their
children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little
longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask
him for nothing, except one more day.............

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