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RATE YOUR HANGOVER
How hung-over are you today? Below is Mozz and Whitey's system of rating the Friday-at-work-post-Thursday-night-capricious-revelry.
1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving
you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched.
You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any
truck stop USA.
2 star hangover
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention
span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels
and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really
can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of
the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right
now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke- yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you missed
an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars)your teeth have
sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere
High,'86. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following-
1. the clock to strike 6pm.
2. the entire appetizer
list from TGIFridays or
3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star
hangover - aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee
who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.
Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state- which is a mystery to
you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still
sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when
you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham
and cheese omelet and a batch of rice crispy treats.
HEAVEN OR HELL?
One day
while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived
up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you
get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this
far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but
I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever
one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors
opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country
club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and
at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually
a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew
it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up
to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were
up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered
in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're
staff."
HOT AIR BALLOON
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude." You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered
the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically" correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how
to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault.
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