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Funny Stuff
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Grammy's Letter
Dear Son,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love
Jesus" bumper sticker. So I bought it. "Boy, I'm glad I did", she wrote. "What an uplifting experience that followed!" I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice
that the light had changed. "It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!"
At that light I found out that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all
these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good-luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters
and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed
the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grammy
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Dear Mom and Dad,
Scoutmaster Walt told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV, and
were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none of us drowned. We were
all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yea, Please call Chads mother and let her know that he is OK.
He can't write her 'cause of his cast. I got to ride in one those search and rescue jeeps. It was fun.
We never would
have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if
you throw gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but on of the tents did. So did some of our clothes.
Johnny is going to look a little weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets
the car running. It wasn't his fault we wrecked, the breaks worked fine when we left. Scoutmaster Walt says that you have
to expect things to go wrong with an old car; that is probably why he doesn't have insurance. We think it is a neat car. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty. He sometimes lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in his car. He
let us take turns riding on the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a really
neat guy. Don't worry, he is a really good driver. In fact he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't much traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink from
his cast. So he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great, you can still can still see some of the trees under the
water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some of the other scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad that we
weren't wearing lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time fixing the car so we try not to bother him.
Guess what? We
have all received our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in to the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the left over chicken. He said
they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure
figured out how to get things done better while he was doing time. By the way, what is a pedophile.
I have to go now.
We are going to town to mail our letters and bye bullets. Don't worry about anything. Were fine.
Love Jordie
P.S.
How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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Memo from Santa
I regret to inform you that,
effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,Tennessee,
Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks
for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, your children will be in good hands with your local replacement,
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls;however,there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1.There
is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a Moon Pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff,
though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overhangs Bubba's
fireplace.
4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics
such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa
Claus
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