COLLEGE LIFE

Dear Freshman, 40 things Admissions never told you.

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Two meals a day is standard.
3. Road trip whenever possible.
4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
5. You will begin to nap again.
6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
7. Squirt guns=stress relief.
8. Email becomes your second language.
9. College students throw paper airplanes too.
10. You never realized so many people were smarter than you.
11. Western europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you can recite last week's re-run of Seinfeld verbatim.
12. You will never rent more movies in your life.
13. No one is too old for video games.
14. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital. Never, ever forget that.
15. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
16. The campus is only clean on parents' weekend and freshman orientation.
17. It never sucked so much to get sick.
18. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
19. Beware of the freshman 15.
20. Be creative in the dining hall.
21. Classes: the later the better.
22. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you.
23. Disney movies are more than just classics.
24. Asleep by 2:30 A.M. is an early night.
25. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
26. New additions to food groups: Jolt Cola, Ramen, and Pizza.
27. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
28. Duct tape heals all wounds.
29. Pro Wrestling is suddenly cool again.
30. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them even more.
31. Showers become less important, sleep becomes more important.
32. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
33. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
34. Procrastination is an art form.
35. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
36. The only time to dress up is when all your jeans are dirty.
37. You'll eat anything if it's free.
38. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.
39. Cartoons are for all ages, especially Scooby Doo.
40. You are never alone.

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR SUFFERING FROM SEMESTER BURNOUT:

10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "get off my back, bitch!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster
song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book bag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

COLLEGE HABITS TO BRING HOME

1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9.Yell "FLUSH!"
10.Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13.Get dressed in the dark.
14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
17.Order pizza every Friday night.
18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.
19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.
20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.
21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.
22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab e-mail withdrawal).
23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to pour you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to pour you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another party.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Party is over.
ACTION: Confirm home address with host, take taxi home.
{Home?!!? Home's only for quitters, right??}

SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, or the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

ANYTHING TO PASS

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*. He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" "*Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"