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Baby
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The
nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian, white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think
we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Sec-x
(Compliments of teenie6797)
an 8 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy what is sex?" The father was surprised
that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get
a straight answer. He proceeds to tell her all about the birds and bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father ask her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied,
"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOUR THINKING
Dirty Danny sat in the back of his first-grade class.
Miss Pagnozzi announced,
"We're going to play a game. I'll say a few words about something and you try to tell me what I'm thinking about. The first
thing is a fruit. It's round and it's red." Little Billy raised his hand and said, "An apple." "No, it's a tomato. But I'm
glad to see you're thinking," said the teacher. "Now the next one is yellow and it's a fruit." Rickey raised his hand and
said, "A grapefruit!"
"No, it's a lemon. But I'm glad to see you're thinking," said Miss Pagnozzi. "The next one is round
and it's a green vegetable."
Little Mary shouted up, "It's a lettuce." "No," said the teacher. "It's a pea. But I'm glad
to see you're thinking." Just then Danny raised his hand and said, "Teach, can I ask you one?" "All right." "I got somethin'
in my pocket. It's long and it's hard and it's got a pink tip." "Danny!" shouted the teacher. "That's disgusting!" "It's a
pencil," said Danny. "But I'm glad to see you're thinking."
UNCLE TED
One day at the end of class
little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following
day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and
drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and
onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next
is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last
weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun
but ran out of bullets, so he
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed
the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
OH BROTHER,
Two brothers are
laying in bed one night when the seven year old says to the six year old "I'm getting pretty old so I think I'm going to start
cussing tomorrow".
"You are? What are you going to say?" "I think I'm going to say 'Damn'." "Ow that's a good one!"
(about 30 minutes passes) "I'm getting pretty old too, and I've been hanging around you a lot so I'm going to start cussing
tomorrow too."
"You are? What are you going to say?" "I'm going to say 'Hell'." "That's a good one." (Next day at
breakfast) Mom asks the 7 year old what he wants to eat. "Pass me the Damn Cornflakes". She hits him so hard he wets his pants.
She turns to the 6 year old, "What do you want to eat?!"
"I sure as Hell don't want any Cornflakes!"
THE CANDYWRAPPER
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse
on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like
to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like
Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red
Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started
to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before
I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why
don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She
screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into
her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would
have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby
Ruth!
OUR ENGLISH
*There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while
no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
*English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
*Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
*We
take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
*And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
*If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?*One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
*Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One
house, 2 hice?
*If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
*If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
*Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
*Ship by truck or car and send
cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
*How can a slim chance
and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
*How can the weather be hot as heck one
day and cold as heck another?
*When a house burns up, it burns down.
*You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
*You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus.
*When
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
*And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
*English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it
is coming or going!!!
TOP TEN SEXUALLY SLANTED LINES FROM STAR WARS
10. "Get in there you
big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6.
"Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry
about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She
may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
LABELS
Here is some labels that make you wonder if people would actually do these things if not told otherwise.
Very funny.
Some of these are almost good enough to make me want to start reading labels.
In case
you needed further proof that the human race is in trouble, here are some actual label instructions from consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping. Do not use near water.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions:
Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided
shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (Printed on the bottom of the box):
Do
not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
On
packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' Children's Cough Medicine:
Do
not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On
a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For
indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On
Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions:
open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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