|
Stressed
(compliments of steve)
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep and too much pressure
from my job,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked!
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29
million employed
by the federal
government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves
16.2 million to do the work.
Take
from the total the 14,800,000 people
who work for State and City Governments
and that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000
people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to
do the work.
You and me.
And YOU are sitting at your
computer
reading jokes...
MIDDLE AGED WOMEN
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the hospital.
While on the
operating table she had a near
death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my
time up?"
God said, "No, you have another
40 years, 2
months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in
the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and
a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair color. Since she had so much
more
time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released
from
the hospital. While crossing the street on
her way home, she was killed by an Ambulance.
Arriving in front of God,
she demanded, "I thought
you said I had another 40 years to live. Why didn't
you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Engineers Solutions (compliments of
heather)
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to
the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece
of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the
lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known
as being submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had fatal accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken
by the engineers.
*********************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S:
Almost replaced left inside main tire.
************************************
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
**************************************
P: No. 2 propeller seeping
prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
***************************************
P:
Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
***************************************
P: Dead bugs
on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
****************************************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
****************************************
P:
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
****************************************
P: DME
volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
****************************************
P:
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
*****************************************
P:
IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*****************************************
P: Suspected crack
in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*****************************************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S:
Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*****************************************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S:
Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*****************************************
P: Target radar
hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
*****************************************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S:
Cat installed
SCARY RIDE
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee
and spilled the hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger piped up: "That's nothing. You should
see the back of mine!"
POTENTIAL vs. REALITY
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully,
and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Next,
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see
if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep
with Brad Pitt?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but
yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you
sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod!! Definitely!!"
Then he goes to his brother's room and asks
him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million bucks, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His brother thinks about it and says,
"For a million dollars, I suppose I would."
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on three million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and a fag.
WEDGE
A young boy came home from church with a black eye. When asked about
it he explained; I was sitting behind this woman & when we got up to sing I noticed she had a wedgie. I didn't think she
wanted that wedgie so I reached over & pulled it out. Well, she swung around & hit me in the eye with her pocketbook.
The following Sunday he came home with another black eye. When asked what happened this time he replied;
Well, I was in
church sitting next to Johnny behind the same woman that smacked me last week. When we got up to sing she had another wedgie
and Johnny reached over & pulled it out. Well, I knew she didn't mind having a wedgie so I reached over & pushed it
back in & that's when she swung around & belted me in the other eye.
YOU KNOW YOUR FROM OHIO IF:
1."Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar
Point or King's Island.
2.You measure distance in minutes.
3.Down south to you means Kentucky.
4.Your school classes
were canceled because of cold.
5.Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
6.You've ridden the school bus
for an hour each way.
7.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
8.You know what's knee-high
by the Fourth of July.
9.You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?
10.You
install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
11.You think of the major four food groups as
beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
12.You carry jumper cables in your car.
13.You know what pop
is.
14.You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
15.Driving is better in the winter because
the potholes are filled with snow.
16.You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
17.The local paper
covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
18.You think that deer season
is a national holiday.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.You thought that the Michael Stanley Band
was the most popular band in the country.
21.You find-20 degrees F "a little chilly".
22.You know all 4 seasons: Almost
Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
23.You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northernOhio
as soon as they open their mouth.
24.You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
25.You actually get these jokes
and forward them to all your Ohio friends!
COJONES
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special
and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the
waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost
at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local
delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night
and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon
but the portion was much smaller. "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
HOW YODELLING BEGAN
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching,
and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told
him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer
went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who
was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for
the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn. The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee,
no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen,
prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the
house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw
tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the
farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I
told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer
the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, and
then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also
messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at
sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later,
the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into
the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate
love to me." "What?" shouted the father? The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was
halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The
man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
And
that's how Yodeling began.
HOOKED TO PIRACY
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. Talk turns to their adventures at sea. The seaman notes that
the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. The seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate
replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well..." replies the pirate: "We were boarding an
enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarks the seaman.
"How did you get the eyepatch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replies the pirate. "You lost your eye to seagull dropping?"
the sailor asks incredulously. "Well..." says the pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."
FRIENDLY PRANK
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist,
were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats
off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist
would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read
as follows. Dear friends, We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear
to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.
SHY GUY
A very shy guy goes to a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting there. After an hour of gathering up
his courage, he goes over to her and asks her: "Umm... would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" The woman responds
by yelling at the top of her lungs. "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" she says. Everyone in the bar turns to stare at
them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over
to him and apologies. She smiles at him and says: "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a student of psychology and
I'm trying to see how people respond to embarrassing situations." The guy looks at her and at the top of his lungs, yells:
"What do you mean, you'll charge 200 bucks?"
19 THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-
1.Stick your palm
open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my
lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4.
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn,
this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from
a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa
! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut
butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back
over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum
cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and
adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra under the stall and sing "Born Free"
BANK ROBBER
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999,
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash
and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system,
one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an
ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each
leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM
BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
WHERE R ALL THE PEOPLE?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my
job, but now I found out the real reason:
*I'm tired because I'm overworked.
*The population of this country is
237 million.
*104 million are retired.
*That leaves 133 million to do the work.
*There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
*Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million
to do the work.
*2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
*Take from the total
the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
*At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
*Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
*That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
|
