|
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only
in America......are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do
they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever
see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors
call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why
is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the
man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why
isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why
didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You
know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why
don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If
con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?
------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could
be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product
will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with
head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause
drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody
out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about
a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe,
uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I
don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
HISTORY LESSON
This is very interesting, read on......
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with
a "0" (zero) at the
end? Also notice it goes in increments of
20 years. And LOOK! Year 2000 is where it lands!
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920:
Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940:
Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt ! )
2000: George W. Bush (???????)
And to think that we had 2 guys duking
it out
in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.
You might be interested in this next part.
Have a history
teacher explain this ---- If they can?
Abraham
Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F.
Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John
F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both
were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both
Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both
were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon
Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln,
was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated
Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both! assassins
were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called a 'Lincoln' made by Ford.
Booth
ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in
a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated
before their trials!
And! here's the kicker:
A
week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A
week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
OUR ENGLISH
*There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while
no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
*English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
*Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
*We
take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
*And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
*If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?*One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
*Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One
house, 2 hice?
*If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
*If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
*Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
*Ship by truck or car and send
cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
*How can a slim chance
and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
*How can the weather be hot as heck one
day and cold as heck another?
*When a house burns up, it burns down.
*You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
*You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus.
*When
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
*And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
*English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it
is coming or going!!!
|
